Gordon Gekko in the hit 1987 movie, ‘Wall Street’ famously said, ‘Greed is Good’. I am trying to amend that speech 33 years later and say ‘Conflict is Good’. It helps us to clarify our positions, get some emotions and feelings out, and communicate at much deeper levels. When we engage in conflict, we normally get to the core of what is causing symptoms all around us.
Relationships are living, breathing entities and experience negative side effects and symptoms when it is off. Think about your own relationship. Maybe we ignored some personality quirks, swept under the rug some poor choices, and just chose not to address certain things that were said. While it’s true we shouldn’t fight every battle we find ourselves in, there must be some we engage in. It’s when we don’t engage that our ‘closets’ get full and the rug has a huge ‘bulge’ in it. Eventually, stuff will either come pouring out or trickle out one item at a time.
Too often in relationships, we start confronting one, simple issue and then 15 minutes later we find ourselves in the weeds, and we can’t remember how we got there. Someone brings up a past transgression, a past statement or comment that was made or tries to rehash a past argument that both parties thought had been dealt with. All of a sudden, we cannot remember what the original conflict was about. The relationship had ignored months and years of things and eventually it catches up with you.
Every person inside of a relationship has needs and those needs must be met to avoid major conflicts. Every need that goes ignored leads to a build-up that will eventually result in a conflict. The key is ongoing maintenance of each other’s needs as to avoid major meltdowns. Saying ‘Conflict is Good’ only works if it is done effectively and leads to personal and relational growth. It also only works if both people are on the same page about dealing with issues. Just remember that it all goes somewhere if healthy conflict does not occur.
Healthy conversations that cover a variety of issues related to the relationship will help deal with major conflicts before they occur. Should you find yourself engaged in some type of conflict, use it as an opportunity to understand the needs of your partner better and to discuss your own. Listening more than you speak, asking questions, breathing, and taking a break if need to. Remember, once harsh words are said they can never be taken back. Conflict is indeed good but only if you want it to be.